Violence - The Biff Goes On.

In the Melbourne age today Dr Jerry Rosenfield, frustrated by the consequences of violence he sees in his patients 'comments' on street violence ''Is it a problem with education? A lack of respect … Are they divorced from spiritual connections, are they not getting adequate education about how to behave in school and from their parents?'' (''Young men's mindlessness starts at home: surgeon'', The Age, 31/8).

http://www.theage.com.au/national/young-mens-mindlessness-starts-at-home-surgeon-20090830-f3ye.html.

If we add it to the responses from those involved in the Mullimbinby incident we begin to get a picture of a generation who externalises and not internalises the reasons for bad things happening. A young man involved in the Mullimbimby incident says words to the effect, it's no-ones fault it just happened. And the parents blame the school for not dealing with it.

Houston we have a problem and we need more than ground control to fix it.These are the things I talk about at Bloke's breakfast and in the parenting seminars I run at St Jude's Randwick. I have being doing this stuff for some 20+ years and the problem hasn't changed, what has changed is how we parent (noticed on Sunshine Channel 7 this morning a section on how to negotiate your 2 year old to eat vegetables for example), parents want to be friends to their children (they need to be liked by their children), parents encourage the externalisation, discipline is an old fashioned word and parents, in seeking their kids to be friends, help them to grow up way before their heads are ready for it and much more.

Jerry Rosenfield is on the money and asks the questions we are afraid to answer, and while I agree with Dr Carr-Greg that how we deal with alcohol needs review we are only masking the problem if we stay at that level (the same with law enforcement and court responses). It is to be noted that the other recent violent situation in a NSW school did not involve alcohol.

Michael goes on to say that the ‘risk factors for violence also reside within the individual, their peers and the community’. I agree. Individual sin (old fashioned word for thinking I am the centre of the world) is grown in the fertile ground of community that focuses on individualisation, blame and instant gratification.

It is not what goes in that is the problem, although it may make the problem worse, but what resides with in us and is expressed that is the problem. Its seems to me after some 30 years of working with young men in particular, that the issue has to do with anger, frustration and lack of mentoring in how to handle a range of issues impacting on men, and young men in particular in ways that work for men. It has to do with how we parent, how we fail to allow young men to take risk in positive ways, how we offer or do not offer them opportunities to be valued and valuable in society, how we as parents try and make life safe and protect them from the consequences of their actions and much more.

A debate is needed as to what constitutes common sense parenting, what are the roles of experts and statistics, what is my responsibility in life,what is the role of parents – friends or those with the responsibility to train their children how to live in society with respect for themselves and for others. It is a debate we need but won’t get as those of us old enough to take part are part of the problem – we drive too fast, drink too much, give the finger to the car which cuts us off and more – all in the presence of our children, and then wonder why we get what we get.

Resiliency

There is much discussion on what keeps people safe, particularly in relation to bouncing back from difficult times or the simple grind of doing life.

Much discussion about self-esteem which has seen people often unwilling to set boundaries or highlight when people especially children behave badly or do poor work - it has been reduced to only saying good things and never the critical, always saying yes and never no, and has seen any reasonable concept of discipline being avoided.

Resiliency on the other hand is that component of one's personality which allows you to engage fully with life, take the knocks, recognize your limits and accept limits and direction given by others and to process all ths in a manner which affirms your place in the world especially when that world is hostile to you.

Resiliency refers to the capacity of human beings to survive and thrive in the face of adversity.

• Three Sources of Resiliency
I HAVE
People around me I trust and who love me no matter what
People who set limits for me so I know when to stop before there is danger or trouble
People who show me how to do things right by the way they do things
People who want me to learn to do things on my own
People who help me when I am sick, in danger or need to learn

I AM
A person people can like or love
Glad to do nice things for others and show my concern
Respectful of myself and others
Willing to be responsible for what I do
Sure things will be all right

I CAN
Talk to others about things that frighten or bother me
Find ways to solve problems I face
Control myself when I feel like doing something not right or dangerous
Figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or to take action
Find someone to help me when I need it


Grotberg, E, (1995)

Sex & Violence - A Staple Diet for Our Kids

I am constantly amazed at the sexual messages contained in ads of all varieties and almost every television show you watch. Maybe I am more shocked because I am not a great tv watcher, but when I do I notice some disturbing trends. Shows like "Two Men & A Boy' (@ 7.30p.m.) is overtly sexual and portrays relationships between the sexes extremelly negatively, and as it has as one of the protagonists a 11 year old
boy projects all the wrong messages. This is to say nothing about the shows directed at girls.

RAND Research in the USA did a study of 718 teenagers 12 to 17 between 2001 and 2004 in relation to sex on tv and 1564 Japanese and Americans between 9 & 18 for the effects of violence, and deduced that 'exposure to some forms of entertainment is a corrupting influence, leading teenagers who watch sexy programs into early pregnancy and children who play violent video games to aadopt aggressive behaviour.' A full report can be found on www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph or at the Rand website http://www.rand.org/pubs/research_briefs/.

The challenge for us is to be discriminatory about what we watch and what we allow our children to watch. Sex and violence on tv and video games rarely identifies the consequences of such in real life. For a chilling reminder of the impact of violence see the story at this link http://www.theage.com.au/national/lifelong-effect-of-a-night-of-random-schoolies-violence-20081112-5o1c.html.

The challenge also asks us to speak realistically about the effects and impacts of such behaviour in such a way as to be real but over the top. If we become too graphic kids just switch off.

We are also challenged to model a life congruent with Biblical values, often a challenge we fail in the smaller things but if we are honest and open with our kids it will provide them with a benchmark for their own behaviour.

Sleep Deprivation

Over the laast couple of days the newspapers have been full of stuff relevant to those of us with children (or grandchildren). First in the Saturday papers was an article that announced most children in Australia are sleep deprived and warned of the future problems. It squarely lays the blame on technology and the presence of that technology in childrens bedrooms. Mobile phones, computers, game consoles and more are temptations which prevent young people from doing what they should be doing - sleeping.

A man I knew put a computer screen above the cot in his daughters bedroom - perhaps a little too much! The article went on to say that all this stuff should be in the lounge or games room where everybody can enjoy and monitor it during normal recreational hours. An excellent solution which I would heavily endorse.

The other is ann excellent article on education by Tom Hawkes - well worth reading at the link below.
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/ten-key-skills-schools-must-start-teaching/2008/09/08/1220725904072.html

The Wildman Leaves - Prodigal Son

“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.”
“Don’t wait to make your son a great man —make him a great boy”

The story of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) explores the journey to manhood through the lives of three men at different stages in their journey:

THE YOUNGEST SON—the Wildman seeking to push boundaries and find his place in the world.
Testing Boundaries.
Establishing place in the world.
Conflict with father.
Separating from mother
Black & White world views.
Self focussed.
Wants it All, Now!

IT’S ALL ABOUT STEPPING OUT!!!

WHAT’S THE CHALLENGE FOR US:
In how we respond to our children’s journey.
In reflecting on and be honest about our own journey.
In responding to the high risk behaviour of young men.

How To Survive Life (and a Plane Crash).

Saturday’s paper (http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,,23460386-5013414,00.html) had an article which asserted that almost all plane crashes are survivable. And those who survive most plane crashes come from a military or emergency background. How does this happen? The theory as that if you believe you can survive you most likely will.

Those who survive are most likely those:
• who read the emergency card in the seat pocket in front,
• identify the exits,
• work out how to get they,
• know who they are sitting next to and
• have a plan of action in case of an emergency.

They have planned to survive and believe they can.

It is always interesting to me when I take young men on adventure outings such as indoor rock-climbing how quickly after we gear up they look up at the wall and say ‘I can’t. Surprise, surprise; they rarely do.

There are others who you know are scared stiff but don’t voice it and tackle the wall. Mostly they do, usually they make a valiant effort and come back down ready to capitalise on their success.

How do we prepare our children to say I can instead of I can’t? How do we get them to overcome fears and fatalistic thinking and conquer the challenges life throws at them?

Notice the people who survive are not risk-takers? They are people who are risk adverse.
• They plan to survive,
• They scope out the challenges in front of then,
• They identify strategies they can use and
• They believe that if they follow these plans they will come out on top.
• They are resilient and resourceful, confident but not foolhardy and hopeful but not unrealistic.

These are the strategies we need to model and to instil in our kids. If adolescence is a lengthening process (see previous blog) the probability is more and more young people will believe they can’t, and instead of being resilient, they will be foolhardy risk-takers because they haven’t been taught, by word or action, how to survive.

Review "And When Did You Last See Your Father?"

What an interesting movie! First reaction when it finished was to find something lighter to laugh about! This was no light and easy movie but neither was it tragic and overbearing. It explored the relationships within a family from the memory of a son disillusioned and estranged from his father. Jim Broadbent, as the father, gives a compelling portrayal of a man out of his depth in relationships yet so self possessed that he compensates by denying the reality and living in the happines of self-delusion. Colin Firth is Blake,the adult son who has never come to grips with his perception of his father and finds himself repeating the mistakes he so condemns. Matthew Beard, who plays the teenage Blake, is excellent and mixes teenage angst with disappointment superbly as he struggles to deal with his extrovert father.

An excellent movie - not a comfortable one - but one every male should see.

The movie title refers to the need to see your father as he his not as you would like him to be.

Prolonged Adolescence

Noticed in Tuesdays tele (http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,,24134638-5001021,00.html) insurance companies have increased the age for higher premiums for young drivers from 25 - 30, ostensibly because of higher risks.At a recent seminar a child psychologist said research suggested adolescence now begins at 9 not the traditional 12/13.So, if this is the case, then the normal adolescence behaviour patterns, wants and mores are with us not 10/12 years but some 21 years.

This fits with the growth of young people staying home until their mid-thirties or longer.

The result? We see the erosion of child hood, the beginning of at risk behaviour and expectations in the early teens not late teens, this at risk behaviour escalates and is maintained longer,and the normal transition to adult responsibilities and expectations such as marriage, children, home ownership and community involvement is delayed.

Implications for us as Dads, parents and role models is that we need to confident in our own values and place in the world, that we need to clearly define our expectations that children and young teens are still that and that there is a transition into adulthood by clearly defined signposts and expectations. We have to act as the adult parent during their teens and as the same adult parents when its time (early 20's at the latest)to move up and become an adult themselves.

What do you think?